Wednesday, January 04, 2012
What better way to start 2012 that to review one's imbecility of the last 12 months? Three events come to mind, but more will surely be add:
- In news which will surprise absolutely no one: I failed my first driving test. In my defence I had only had a few hours of lessons in the two months leading up to it, plus I ran over the curb in a very narrow laneway in Hampshire along the test route. Bah. All in all, only 8 errors though. My new teacher is called Prince and has explained the importance of having lessons in the lead up to a test rather than just showing up. He's probably right. Anyhow, I'm sure I shall eventually overcome, and it was good to get that first fail out of the way. Much like one's virginity.
- I have finally learnt how to ride a bike (after a childhood of such deprivation during which I never managed to get off training wheels). My friends decided to teach me on the August Bank Holiday Monday and unsurprisingly I was very good at it very quickly.
After 15 minutes they decided it was safe to stop jogging along and holding onto my bike seat (not just because I was so good, but also because it looked a bit pervy with boy flat mate running along with his hand under my bottom). So they let me go. And I flew like the wind down a slightly descending path feeling like the QUEEN OF THE WORLD, until I spied a cyclist coming in the opposite direction and made a mental note not to plough into him. Naturally the bike started veering into him almost immediately.
At this point I realised that my friends had neglected to teach me how to stop the bike and so I ended up smashing my face into his shoulder, knocking him off his bike and landing in a mangled heap between the two bikes and grazing my face in two places. Thankfully the bikes were okay.
After buying me a calippo to ice my face and a soft serve to shut me up, my friends all ditched me to go cycling some more all "Hey, these bikes cost a pound an hour and I've got 40 minutes left". I need new friends.
- I finished a 20 mile Night Hike for chariddy in mid-September. In any such event there is always a low point. Mine was right at the start outside the Lloyd's building as i went to register.
Some dude was putting on a jumper on the footpath with nary a care for any pedestrians who may also been using it. As I walked passed he put his arm through the sleeve with such force he sucker punched me in the face (right where I'd hit that cyclist in the shoulder as it happened).
I turned around to give him a healthy serving of my mind but he had white hair and it's not a good look to abuse senior citizens even if they are selfish enough to get dressed in public and assault one, so I was full of unspent rage for the next hour, and therefore delightful company for all those around me. As usual.
Thankfully, the year ended with relatively little damage to my person. Except for the incident on Christmas Day, when I slipped at the top of some (carpeted!) stairs, launched myself in the air and landed flush on my arse half way down the staircase.